Graphic Artist

Is anyone a graphic artist? Or do you have recommendations for one? I need help (or rather, someone to do it) creating a logo for something very important. More info on that coming very soon! Thanks.

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Checking In

Hello to anyone who still reads this blog! I think I finally am getting stable, so I hope to write more. To be honest, even though this is a place where I can be honest and share my thoughts, I didn’t think my thoughts should be put in writing. They were bad, very bad. Old ‘issues’ resurfaced and it has been such a struggle. I didn’t understand why I was so sad when I had a beautiful, healthy daughter. Bonding with her was much harder than I thought it would be, and I felt like such a horrible mother for my feelings.
Last summer I hit rock bottom and now I finally feel like I’m climbing out of my hole. It’s a tough climb, but I finally feel like I’m ready to do it. I want to be happy. I want to be a good mother to my daughter. And I will be.

Now, for a happy update! My daughter will be 5 months this weekend. Time is flying by! She rolls over, babbles, and is always so happy. She even started belly laughing and that sound pulls at my heart. I love her, so, so much! Fortunately as a teacher I am on summer break so I get to spend all day with her. It was difficult at first, but I finally am starting to feel like I have a routine with her.
I also am working on a project that I can’t wait to share with you! It’s in the early stages but this new project is exactly what I need right now and I am so excited to enter this new journey.

Thanks for checking in on me!

2 months

My baby girl is two months old! Part of me is happy : she’s growing, developmentally on track, and becoming more aware of her surroundings. But the other part of me has been dreading 2 months. I read that SIDS increases between 2-4 months and am convinced something will happen to her. I feel as if I failed my triplets and I don’t deserve another chance at being a mom.

I love my baby girl so much. I really do. But I thought that having her would make some of the sadness go away, but it hasn’t. If anything, I’m even more aware of what I have been missing. I would do anything to be with my triplets again. Anything. But I have baby girl to take care of now. Suffice to say I am emotionally torn these days.

Will the pain ever go away??? Someone, please tell me it will. I’m so tired.

Lila is 5 weeks old now and doing great. Last night she even slept for nearly 6 hours! I’m physically starting to heal and am able to get around more, so it’s been nice to get out of the house with her. Emotionally I’m doing pretty good. I have my moments (but who doesn’t!), but for the most part I’m enjoying my new role as mommy. Although it still doesn’t seem real and I feel like an imposter most days, I do miss her when I’m gone. As I type this she is sound asleep on my chest, and I can’t help but look down and smile. I love this little girl so much. My heart is so heavy missing my babies, and as much as I love Lila it’s hard to appreciate what I have and to stop dwelling on what I don’t.

I turned 30 on Wednesday, and for the first time ever my cake said Happy Birthday Mommy! My husband gave me a beautiful amethyst (her birthstone) and diamond necklace and Lila went shopping and gave me lots of mommy gifts. It’s so hard to believe I’m 30 already. I have always wanted to have my family complete by 30. Is it complete? I have 2 boys and 2 girls, a perfect mix. I never wanted more than 4. But 3 of those children are not with me. I feel like I’m finished, like this is just how it’s meant to be. I can’t even imagine being pregnant again, nor do I want to. But I also don’t want Lila to grow up alone. So for now we will use protection (crazy after 3 years of infertility!) and not make any rash decisions. Not that we’ll be doing the deed anytime soon, but I like knowing we have a plan.

It’s nice to not feel so depressed everyday. It’s been a very long time. I still have a lot of things to work out, but I feel like I’m moving in the right direction.

Thanks

Thank you so much for the comments and emails on my last blog post. I was hesitant to write my feelings, thinking others would think I was crazy, and it was so helpful to read everyone’s responses, to know I wasn’t alone. So thank you for that. I’m still struggling, but knowing that this feeling isn’t permanent really helps.

Baby girl is 1 month old already! Isn’t that crazy? It really does go by so fast. Nothing new to report. Lila continues to be a good baby and is growing as she should be. I’m healing, still in a lot of pain but making progress. Unfortunately I’m going to need another surgery to fix my nether regions, but the good news is I’m expected to heel in time to go back to work April 7. I don’t know when the surgery will be, but the doctor said I need to heel 100% first. I still have hope my ‘3rd hole’ will close on its own, but apparently even if it does things won’t work right down there without surgery. Joy.

I love my baby girl. I really, honestly do. But I still feel so empty. I thought having my rainbow baby would make me feel happier, but I feel as depressed as ever. I want my triplets here with me. And though I know that can’t happen, it’s still all I can think about. I don’t know how to be happy for what I have and how to stop wanting what I can’t have. It’s so hard.

3 Weeks

     Sorry I haven’t updated sooner. It has taken me awhile to get into the groove of things and I didn’t want to post when I wasn’t feeling thankful for this beautiful little girl I was blessed with.  Speaking of which, Lila is 3 weeks old now and is absolutely perfect.  She’s an easy baby and has no issues with eating, sleeping, or pooping.  She can sleep 5-6 hours at night, with an occasional 2 hours of fussiness, and is perfect during the day.  I’ve been doing all the night feedings since daddy is back to work, and fortunately I’m still doing okay.  Absolutely no signs of post partum depression. In fact, I don’t feel depressed at all.  However, I don’t feel happy either.  I really thought that having her here with me would make things a little better, but it hasn’t.  I still miss my triplets. In fact, knowing what it’s like to raise a baby makes me miss them even more.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my little girl, but she’s not them.  I want them here with me, and this is something I’ll continue to work on in therapy.  I spent my entire pregnancy just waiting for something to go wrong, and because of that I don’t think I really ever truly believed Lila would be here.  So now that she is, I’m having some difficulty accepting that she’s really mine and is here to stay.  I won’t admit this to my husband, but honestly, this new role of motherhood feels fake. I feel like an imposter, in someone else’s home.  I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.  This just doesn’t feel real.  Even at 3am when she’s screaming and I wake up to feed her, it still doesn’t feel real.  I stroke her cheeks, sing to her, tell her how much mommy loves her.  But it seems fake.  I really, really hope this feeling goes away soon. 

     Physically I’m also having a really tough time.  I had a few really severe tears, including a cervical tear, and recovery isn’t going so well. My stitches tore in one area and can’t be fixed right now, so I’m dealing with a lot of pain on a daily basis.  Labor wasn’t that bad, thank God for epidurals.  It went quickly but she got stuck on my bone and ended up having to be vacuumed out.  I lost so much blood and had to have a transfusion, but am doing better now.  As long as I’m lying down the pain is bearable. 

     I think overall I’m doing a good job.  I’m attentive to all her needs and am showering her with love.  I just need to work on feeling connected, which I’m sure will happen in time. 

She’s here

I’m exhausted after a really rough labor and hospital stay but wanted you all to know that Lila Sophia entered the world on 2/12/14 weighing a whopping 7lbs 11 oz!

She is perfect and I will update more this weekend.

It’s Almost Time

     I’ve been pretty quiet on the blog front because it’s just  been so hard to put my thoughts into writing.  And when I do and read back I’m usually too ashamed to hit publish.  I suffered through years of infertility, had an early miscarriage, delivered a stillborn, delivered 2 premature babies and held them in my arms until they joined their brother in heaven, and know all too well the heartache and pain that pregnancy loss brings.  So who am I to wish I weren’t pregnant?  To hope that things would end before I became too attached.  To not enjoy this time.  To know I don’t deserve this. 

     But for some reason, I was given this pregnancy and it has given me the strength, strength I didn’t think I had, to continue living for the day.  To have a reason to wake up each morning. To have a reason to eat. To have a reason to take care of myself.  And now that I’m at 38 1/2 weeks and know that baby girl is perfect and growing as she should be, I almost feel proud of myself.  Almost.  I was able to overcome a lot and put her first, to make sure she had every opportunity to survive, and I actually did something right for a change.  I gained more than the doctors hoped I would, haven’t hurt myself, have been taking care of myself physically and mentally, and am working to be happy again. 

     Unfortunately though, I am too well informed and have read too many blogs about full term still birth.  My anxiety has been through the roof thinking that I’m going to do something wrong during labor, or her heart will just stop beating one day when I wake up.  I never go to bed or wake up until I feel her, and it’s taking a toll on me.  Also, my doctor is going away on my due date, 2/19, so she has decided it’s in everyone’s best interest to induce at 39 weeks.  I know this is controversial and some are very against it for non-medical reasons, but my doctor and I both agree it’s time.  I will go in 2/11 to be induced at 8:30 pm and should hopefully have a baby girl in my arms sometime Wednesday afternoon.  It’s surreal that I have spent many weeks on bed rest trying to prevent pre-term labor and now here I am being induced.  I have lots of mixed feelings about this, but I’m trying to stay strong.  I need to hear her cries, feel her beating heart.  That’s all I care about right now, and the sooner Tuesday gets here the better!

     I have no idea how I’ll react post-partum, but I have a really good support system set up.  I have appointments set up with my psychiatrist, counselor, and doctor, and my husband will be taking some time off.  I believe I’m ready for this and am really hoping that things continue to get better, and I am able to be a good mother to little girl.  I can do this. 

Sad

     First off, little girl is growing as she should be and is 32 weeks now.  That’s a HUGE milestone!  I’ve been working very hard in therapy to accept this pregnancy (which I do now), and to look into the future of imagining my life with a baby girl in a few weeks. That one has been much harder, but I’m trying.  I had a baby shower, have a room set up for her, and have everything I need.  I don’t think I’ll ever fully accept she’ll be coming home until she is actually home, but I am preparing.  My anxiety has been much better, with very few anxiety attacks. Even my depression seems to be at a decent point and some days I actually laugh and smile and look forward to things.  My eating issues are still there, but I (and my doctors) agree that I’m doing a great job nurturing this little one and she is getting what she needs.  My body, though in lots of pain, is doing its thing and keeping baby girl in (bed rest helps!).  So I should be happy, right? Everything is going well.  But I’m not.  I feel like I work so hard to be happy for baby girl that my grief over the triplets is pushed back.  My counselors, my family, my husband – it seems all everyone wants to talk about is baby girl and not my triplets.  I get that they want me in a better place, and want me to be happy, but I can’t just ‘get over’ their death.  I still grieve for them every single day and it’s exhausting, even more so now that I am never able to talk about them. I need that.  I want them remembered, but I do get that others don’t want to see me sad. But don’t they realize it’s Christmas time and I should be buying gifts for toddlers?  There’s nothing that can take those thoughts away from me – I’m always going to be thinking of them. 

     So tonight, on Christmas Eve, I will bring my babies with me to the family party.  No one will know, and I will put a fake smile on my face, all the time imagining what my 3 little loves would be up to at 18 months of age. 

 

Nervous

     I had an appointment with my high risk doctor the other day and even though my cervix shortened to almost a 2 he didn’t seem too worried.  He said just to take it easy and we’ll keep an eye on it, and I didn’t think much of it. Then yesterday I had an appointment with my regular OB. She hadn’t received the report yet from the other doctor, so it was a normal appointment. I had the glucose test and did fine, but when she started talking to me about delivery options I got very upset.  She gave me a depression test and I failed, so even though she had planned to place me out of work she decided that being home alone would be worse, and I should keep working. I was okay with that, since I’m actually feeling pretty good (physically).  But then today, after she got the report from the high risk guy, she called my husband and is concerned about my cervix shortening and wants me to go to the hospital tomorrow morning to get the steroid shot.  I’m not sure if there’s something wrong that no one is telling me or if she’s just being overly cautious.  She also took me out of work.  I don’t think doctors have the right to tell my husband something and not me, but I don’t understand why they would send me for the shot if they think everything’s okay. I don’t know…. Just another thing for me to worry about!

     On a good note, baby is over 29 weeks, 2 pounds 12 ounces, and in the 45th percentile. She’s healthy and growing!